I thought it would be different this time

Part I: I thought it would be different this time, so I played no games and put my heart into it. It wasn’t any different. It brought pain and I know there is a lesson in there somewhere. 

And so the 1st of the new year started out with a kiss. Then it went downhill from there. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to last. What I thought was a strong bond, soon shattered like a fragile glass flower. So many feelings overcame me, and so many thoughts of how it could have gone better vanished as I picked up all my things from the hotel room and took the first ride home. I slept through the whole bus ride home. Yes, first time ever riding a bus and it was from Vegas to DTLA.

Do you now how hard it was to do this? Well let me tell you something: While the feeling of another failure consumed me, I was on a goose chase for an Uber, Lyft or anything that could take me as far away as possible from the mess I created. The drivers kept cancelling on me, the festive people around me were either really happy to be heading to their next party destination, or tired as heck, walking crocked dissimulated, or friendships and lovers experiencing falling outs and trying to get each others attention.

On my journey to finding the bus stop location, I first went to Caesars Palace, where I was kicked out after 2 hours for sitting by the doors looking like a bum, with my 5 bags and a pillow…while I waited by what I thought was going to be the bus stop. Well, good thing I was thrown out, because I quickly discovered that I was in the wrong place. The hunt for a new Uber began. The pick up location was a nightmare to find.

On the way, while I haul my heavy items, I find another stragler looking for their uber pick up location swell. We walked and tried to figure it out together and I soon discovered that this person was also looking to escape their nightmare of a night. He too had experienced a falling out with his friends while entering the new year. After numerous calls to my uber driver, I get him to pick me up where I was, because I was not about to walk another step.

It is a bit cold and I am at the end of the parking lot in front of a Macys, with no one around. I bundle up, gather my things and find a spot to sit and wait for the bus. Soon a gentleman walks up and my need for conversation and curiosity takes over as I attempt to understand what was happening to me. I had to take my mind off of all the feelings and emotions that were supposed to be vanished. I couldn’t grasp the thought that so many loving exchanges of sentiments could just disappear. My heart ached at the thought that one more piece of my heart had been plucked out at this start of a New Year and new decade, for that matter. With no possibility of reconciliation.

The thought that all this time invested on someone I believed would have been able to hold my heart with love and care, unconditionally, was just another wishful thought that would soon become a memory that would ache so deeply. It hurt, that the plans we made while together, plans for our successes in the future, a future that we would create together. The laughs and sweet moments would be no more. I already miss the spontaneous “I love you” that we would say to each other in different ways. His hand on my leg while he drives the car. The sweet “you’re beautiful” text messages. All the simple little pleasures have now ceased. I got used to them. I got used to having him around to fill an emotional void I never knew existed and unsure now if I would be able to fill again. Deep down inside I knew it was too good to be true. 

To Be Continued……

Part II: https://joypainknowledge.com/2020/01/02/im-still-standing-for-what-i-believe/